The Cat, the Witch and the Broom Cupboard
by poisonruby
Summary: Harry, Hermione, Severus and Mrs Norris are locked inside a broom cupboard. SNARRY HARMONY SSHG ... Actually, scratch that. It's just pure randomness and silliness!
1. The One Where Harry Yells

**Disclaimer**: I swear I didn't do it!

**Notes**: This is extremely stupid and unrealistic. The characters will remain only vaguely in character, there is no plot, and there is no moral. If I make you laugh or even smile, I will consider my mission accomplished.

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**The Cat, the Witch and the Broom Cupboard**

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Harry

_Hermione_

**Severus**

Mrs Norris

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C'mon, shut the door quick!

_Ouch, Harry, that hurt! _

Shush!

Meow

Oh, be quiet, Hermione!

_That wasn't me!_

Who was it, then?

**What is going on here?**

_What was that?_

What was what?

_That voice..._

What voice?

**POTTER!**

_THAT voice..._

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAPE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_Harry, be quiet, Filch will hear you! _

Sorry, having a nightmare.

**I was the one having nightmares, until YOU woke me up!**

_Harry, the voice is back!_

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

_For Merlin's sake, stop yelling. Why would Snape be here anyway?_

I swear I heard his voice. Twice!

_Yes, I heard it too, Harry. _

So that means he's here?

**That's exactly what that means, Potter. **

NOOOOOOOOOOO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU KEELED DUMBLEDORE! DIEEEEEEEEE!

_Harry, PLEASE!_

**(Hits Harry on the head with a bucket and knocks him out)**

**Now, Miss Granger, would you care to explain what's going on?**

_Harry and I were walking around the castle because... We were just walking around the castle. And then Filch was chasing us and we ended up in this broom cupboard._

**That's nice.**

_Yes, isn't it? Hang on... What are YOU doing here?_

**I live here.**

_Really?_

**NO!**

_Oh..._

**What IS this mop? It's scratching my face.**

_That's my hair!_

**Oh...**

_Yeah..._

(Purrs)

**Miss Granger! What do you mean by that?**

_What do I mean by what?_

**You were...purring.**

_That wasn't me!_

**Who was it then? Potter?**

_Maybe we should wake him up, Professor._

**So he starts yelling again? No thanks. Besides, I'm quite enjoying the company. Wait, did I just say that?**

_No._

**Oh...Really?**

_No._

(Purrs)

**(Smiles and strokes Hermione's hair)**

_Professor!_

**Yes?**

_That. Is. My. Hair._

**I know.**

_And you're STROKING it!_

**No I am not.**

(Continues purring)

_Who is stroking it then? _

**Whoever is purring, I suppose. (Smirks)**

_Harry?_

**Most probably.**

_But how would Harry purr, and stroke my hair, if he is knocked out?_

**You're supposed to be intelligent, so you tell me, Miss Granger.**

_Um...I really can't figure it out._

Meow

**Now THAT was adorable, Miss Granger.**

_I'm telling you, it wasn't me!_

**Of course. (Continues stroking)**

_(Grabs his hand) AHA! So you were purring, too?_

**What?**

_This is your hand, Professor._

**It is.**

_Please let go._

**No.**

_Harry..._

What?

_You aren't knocked out!_

No...I was...meditating.

_WHY?_

Because I can.

**No you can't. You have the brain capacity of a dung beetle. You can't even Occlude!**

You are not even here! You're figment of my imagination!

**That's one overly active imagination, Potter. Do you imagine me frequently?**

Honestly? Well, yes.

Meow.

Hermione just cut that out!

_I'm telling you, it wasn't me. It's Snape. He said the same person who was stroking my hair was purring. Professor, can you PLEASE let go of my hand?_

**No.**

(Coughs up fur ball)

Hermione, are you OK?

_That was not me! Professor, are you OK?_

**Do you honestly assume I'd make that noise?**

OUCH!

_Harry, what's wrong?_

Something just fell on my head.

**Good. What is it?**

Um...It feels like a...cup.

**That's nice.**

_Lumos! Why didn't anyone think of this before?_

I was busy...meditating.

**And I quite liked the dark. So, show us the cup, Potter.**

(Shows cup)

_Isn't that..._

It really looks like it...

**Helga Hufflepuff's?**

_**IT'S A HORCRUX!**_

_Now what?_

I dunno.

_Well, we have to destroy it, don't we?_

**Why?**

_Good point, Professor. WHY?_

Because we can?

_Can we?_

**Probably not.**

So let's just leave it for now?

**I don't really care. It's time for my afternoon nap.**

_How do you know it's an afternoon, sir?_

**Frankly, my dear, I really don't give a damn.**

_I LOVE that movie!_

What movie?

_Can you please let go of my hand NOW, Professor?_

**Fine, I need to sleep anyway. PUT THAT LIGHT OUT!**

_I hated THAT movie._

Me too!

**Me three!**

**Did I really just say that?**

_No._

**Really?**

_No._

**Oh...**

_Nox!_

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**More notes**: Ok, I know that was really stupid, but gibberish is so fun to write after philosophical essays for school.

Please review to tell me if you want to read any more of it.


	2. The Chosen Scarpot

**Disclaimer**: I swear I didn't do it!

**Notes**: This has no literary value whatsoever, but it was fun to write. I suspect it will also be fun to read.

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**The Cat, the Witch and the Broom Cupboard**

Chapter 2: _The Chosen Scarpot_

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Harry

_Hermione_

**Severus**

Mrs Norris

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**(Is asleep)**

Is he dead?

_Harry!_

What's with the accusing tone? OK, who cares...How about we kill him while he's asleep and get the hell out of here?

_Harry!_

Yes, I am fully aware that my name is Harry. 'Arry. Harry Potter. Harry James Potter. Parry Otter. Parry Hotter. Barry Trotter. The Boy Who Lived. The Chosen One. Neo. The Chosen Boy Who Lived. The Boy Who Scored. The Chosen Boy Who Scored. Not to mention Scarhead, Scarface. Pothead, Crackpot. The Chosen Scarpot. The Pot Who Scarred. The Chosen Pot. The Pot –

_Harry!_

Yes, Hermione?

_Just...shut up. _

OK... But I forgot Potface.

_Did anyone ever call you that?_

Well, no. But it's a good one.

(Bites Harry's ankle)

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT?

_Ron?_

It's Harry. Or Crackpot, or the Boy Who Lived, or... I just listed them all! I am NOT Ron. And I think Snape just bit me.

_What? Why would Snape bite you?_

How am I supposed to know what goes through his twisted murderous mind?

_I'm sure he didn't mean it._

Didn't mean what? Biting my ankle, painfully mind you, or murdering Dumbledore?

_I'm sure he didn't mean either of those things._

That's OK. I forgave him already.

_Really?_

...No. So, back to the plan of killing him and then running off?

_We can't do that. Filch will get us._

Good point. How about we just kill him?

_But wouldn't he...smell?_

Another good point. So, what do we do?

_Snog?_

Really?

_No._

Damn.

_Yeah._

I'm hungry.

_Eat something._

Eat what?

_I don't know! There's no food here, exactly._

How about we eat Snape?

_NO!_

Why not?

_I like him. I like looking at him asleep. He looks so...troubled, and mysterious, and innocent, and peaceful, and handsome..._

Um, Hermione? You realise that it's kind of impossible to look "troubled" and "peaceful" at the same time? Or "mysterious" and "innocent" at the same time... As for HANDSOME, that's just ...ugh.

(Purrs)

_Aw...He's purring! Do you hear that?_

This is kind of disturbing. I just don't get it... Wait, I am meant to be thinking of FOOD.

_OW! What was... Oh, Harry, it's a scone!_

Hurrah! Where?

_It just dropped on my head! Why does that keep happening? First the Horcrux, and now the scone..._

Who cares? I'll just eat –

_WAIT!_

Why?

_Maybe the scone is a Horcrux? We'll have to examine it first, run magical tests on it... And we might want to look up spells used to reveal magical properties –_

(Takes a bite)

_- and then, when we are completely certain that there is no chance whatsoever of that scone being a Horcrux or -_

(Shoves the scone into his mouth) Mm...

_- so the chances of this occurring are eliminated, and all the necessary precautions taken, to ensure that there is no danger to you or any wizards or Muggles nearby - _

(Finishes chewing and swallows)

_- it would be wise to first create a magical barrier, to prevent any kind of side effects, preferably in supervised conditions, Ministry officials and Healers, Maybe ever Aurors to -_

(Burps)

_- and after that, it would probably be impossible to eat that scone anyway._

You're right Hermione, it would have been ruined.

_But I'm sure we will be able to find something else for you to eat._

Such as Snape? He looks like he'd be a bit bitter, but maybe with some Maple Syrup... What's the spell for conjuring Maple Syrup again?

_WinGARdium LeviOsa!_

Are you sure?

_Absolutely. _

Wingradium Leviosa!

_It's LeviOsa, not Leviosar! Hey look, a floating bucket! It's doing a funny tumble thing, over there, right above my head, see? I think it might – (Gets hit by bucket and is knocked out)_

'Mione?

Hermy?

Hermione?

Now everyone is dead. And I'm alone. All by myself. Just like Celine Dion.

(sings)

I never needed anyone

And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Livin' alone

I think of all the friends I've known

When I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymoooooooooooooore...

**Someone, pass me a pair of earmuffs, quick! The Mandrakes have awoken!**

Shush!

Hard to be sure

Sometimes I feel so insecure

And loves so distant and obscure

Remains the cure

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myyyyyyyyyyyself...

**(Covers ears with hands) What is this despicable noise?**

Oh, good morning, sir. What noise? I wasn't really paying attention you see, I was singing.

**Potter, you can't sing.**

Says who? Hermione liked it so much that she fainted...and swooned...and asked me to marry her!

**That's nice. What did you say?**

I said Hermione liked it so much that she fainted, swooned and asked me to marry her, but not in that order. Actually, I think it was the other way round.

**Did you accept the proposal?**

...What proposal?

**The marriage proposal.**

Well, Professor, I like you and everything, but I'm not sure if I am ready for that sort of commitment. So I guess I'll say "Maybe" and think about it some more. I mean, I do have a lot of potential in the show business industry, with my mind blowing voice and enticing face...

**It is rather enticing, now that I think of it. Or maybe it's just dark in this cupboard. **

(Purrs)

**And the purring just adds to the enticement...**

But Sevvy, you have to understand, for some reason I just see you as a friend.

**That's what they always say! You think I'm fat, don't you? **

Well no, that's not entirely true. You're not fat at all! Let's just say you're not my type.

**What is your type then?**

The dark, mysterious, brooding kind. Troubled, yet innocent, and peacefully handsome... Someone who had seen a lot in life; had many gloomy secrets and experiences...Older than me, perhaps. Tall, dresses in simple yet mystifying dark robes, with a curtain of black hair and possibly a long nose... Maybe even a love-hate relationship! But that's just wishful thinking. It's not like I'd meet anyone who fits that description.

**It would be exceptionally hard to find someone of that precise depiction, but maybe if you don't give up hope and look hard enough...**

It seems impossible now. (Sighs) I guess I AM destined to be all by myself forever...

**I'll help you look if you like.**

Really?

(**H**U**G**)

**(Pulls away) No.**

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Thanks a lot to **snigglesaurus** and **Queen of the Scoubies** for reviewing Part 1. You guys rock! (glomps)

Well, this was part 2 of the silliness! It seems _a bit peaky_ compared to the first one, but it was so much fun to write.

Please review. I'd love you forever.


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